no homo or anything but the way you were dancing with that girl gave me a boner
my brother wants to know why there are wet balloons in his bed and i think you forgot to throw the condoms away but im too hungover to check if thats what hes talking about
Listen, it's not like I meant to bust the window out. It just sort of happened. And I'm also sorry for stealing your dads bandanas.
Roommate is eating a chimichanga, watching Dr Doolittle 2 and weeping. His Tuesday hangovers make me feel better about my life.
I've been drunk in my life. But I've never been "crying in 5 Guys at 1 in the afternoon" drunk
i ordered a pipe on amazon, and under recommended items, it gave me a top hat. it knows me better than my parents.
She saves ONE person's life while blacked out and now she's positive anything can be done "while fucking hammered"
Smoked Hookah in the playhouse last night. Childhood was so fun.
Oooo yea. You face planted on my bed but only half your body made it so you noodled onto the floor but kept saying prepare to be murdered which is when you started taking your pants off but stopped at your ankles cause it was too hard
Everyone is like kids first day of school and I'm over here like I need to stop sleeping with random
I was just wicked nice to a telemarketer... that's how stoned this woman got me.
I doubt the gods of funday Sunday would exact such a high price... But it's good to know an afternoon with me is worth a left foot.
The last thing I remember is being given a cup full of absinthe and deciding I needed to wear my tool belt
You were returned to the hotel by someone wearing a priest costume and carrying knives.
i was so proud for not passing out at the same time as usual. i screamed that i had a "new personal best!" then some jackass explained daylight savings.
Dude, she was there with her husband and I was there with my wife. Of course we banged in the bathroom.
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