cant go down on her man, her vagoo reminds me of a face hugger from aliens
It's really too bad Cosmo doesn't have "What To Do When You've Drunkenly Sucked His Dick and He Doesn't Text You Back" article.
i can barely afford taco bell don't think a baby is in the budget
The waiter to-go cupped my bloody mary without me even asking. THAT hungover.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Just erased 'masturbate' from my mental To-Do list because I've got too much stuff to do. I hate adulthood
I just found a thank you note I apparently wrote to my bed last night for letting me borrow the comforter.
I wish my head, heart, dick, and nose could just agree on something for once
I just opened my filing cabinet at work for the first time in months. It looks just like my pantry: nothing but peanut butter and whiskey.
I don't mean to ruin your favorite Disney movie...but...we both came when Mufasa died.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
No, no. The rest of his everything inspires me to put his dick in my mouth
I'll answer your question with a question: Are you gonna be too high?
My Midnight Kiss was a Big Mac.. Happy New Year
Dislocated my knee during sex, popped it back in and kept going. Then got simpathy chipotle out of it too.
Ok. I'm gonna smoke some weed and look at some elephants without you then.
Cancel your plans for the fourth someone is streaming iron chef on twitch
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