I woke up with the wrong plaid-shirted guy in my bed.
Single person behavior: I wanted a cookie but was too lazy to make or go buy any, so I let cookie dough ice cream melt and ate all the chunks. Pantsless.
I'm at the perfect height to walk up to the corner of my mom's stove and rest my balls on it. Just thought you'd like to know they're warm.
im destined to be single forever. i hope its okay if your kids come and hang out with my cats.
I was at that stage of drunk where it seemed appropriate to just make out with everyone. As like a greeting.
I hear you
I hope your pay increase has gone through because I might need bail. This is not what I dreamed adulthood would be like.
On a scale of 1-10 how seriously are we considering being sugar babies?
I'm about a 7.95
At some point during thanksgiving the image of me pooping on ur moms chest will come to you. Your welcome!
Just found out my rents have been paying my siblings to cockblock me for the past 5 years
Not as covert as you thought huh?
Watch out, there's a giant vagina in the quad running around screaming at people.
i need to stop meeting underage girls and letting them into the bar. i mean yea its a surefire way to get laid without having to tell them I'm 26 but i feel like as a bouncer I'm focusing on all the wrong things
Yeah if I don't text back. I'm eating. sleeping. Or lifting. Or drinking. Or playing call of duty. Like shit man
he asked if he should bring the trash can into the room.. apparently i shoved my finger all over his face and said.. shhhh dont talk... just take your pants off.
I'm concerned I may die tonight. All I've been told about my bday shenanigans is to bring slutty clothes, a bikini, tylenol, sunglasses and pjs. Tell me what the fuck is going on...now
bring lube too
i hate all of you
Fun fact: I came home from the riverboat without my panties. And woke up with a different pair on.
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