I woke up to him trying to put his dick in my mouth. When I asked him what he was doing he said he was trying to make me stop snoring...
Her dad smelled like someone lit a fart and burned their ass hairs.
Not only did a random toaster end up in my house last night, it's also full of skittles.
Dude, I just scraped frozen vomit from my rooftop
I really wish I could say this is a new low for you
I wore my underwear in the shower just in case i passed out and you had to come in and get me
just remembered that i started a tab for just myself at 50 cent beer night last night... i dont understand my life
I gave ten strangers a full description of his penis and its abilities. I need to stop drinking.
had my ear almost bitten off in foreplay. the sex gods do not like me.
Mom brought home a 36 pack of Smirnoff and was all "ring any bells?" and then winked. I'm scared. What does she know?
third nipple confirmed
Aaand now my client contact has seen your boobs.
Hey. It's Michael. The guy that had his tongue in your mouth last night. Just wanted to check in with you.
He somehow obtained a megaphone and managed to scare away the out-of-control house party—the house party that HE started, by the way— by pretending to be the police.
Because of you I'm damaged goods. I'm a fucking soup can and you dropped me.
I'm not gonna plow a chick in front of her 14 year old brother....
Randomize
