I just saw the girl you left with - Chris Hansen's looking for you
Last night was a blur. All I remember is jizzing in the squeegee bucket at a gas station.
The look on the soccer mom's face was PRICELESS.
you were having sex in the bathroom so i pee'd in your bong water...
Have you asked your drug dealer if he wants to see harry potter with you?
Look, as a friend I'm asking to see a picture of his tiny dick
Its the least I can do really, I mean, I did sleep with her husband...
My arms are hairy. And so Is my left leg. Just my left leg, the right is smooth.
It was fine until they started lighting shots of everclear on fire and making ME take them. That's when shit went down...
Sorry, fell into some ass. Call you tomorrow.
Please tell me you're not playing strip poker with your cousins again
please come back they are interrogating me about masturbation
Stay home. Ain't nothing out in these mean streets but plan b and regret
I should probably just LinkedIn request everyone I've ever slept with so they stop popping up on my suggested connections list
I just split a tacobell party box with my boss. 12 tacos. We were equals for a moment.
I’ve wanted to home wreck him since their wedding. It was a dream come true
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