Are you guys doing anything tonight?
Krysta
The funny thing is... I'm about to go to the store to buy WD-40 and condoms... That's it.
And before you ask they are unrelated purchases.
I love my grandma, but if I have to sit and watch one more show on Bravo, I'm gonna burn her fuckin house to the ground
she tossed me in the back of the car and said "god gave u the gift of life and I wanna swallow it"
Has now officially visited every ER in this city in one semester.
I told the girl who was peeing in the garbage can she must have had a lot of upper body strength.
I just spent 10 min explaining to my mom how orange is a strange color. I think she knows
You left wolverine marks
I'm somewhere between sorry and proud
The bond between me and cheese is something no man can understand.
So note to self oboe reeds soaked in Apple Rubinoff sound GREAT.
Where are you on a scale from one to wasted?
Like alphabetically I'd say a v
Sorry I punched you in the throat. You got in my way. You understand.
At least you didn’t announce to an entire bar you’ve eaten pussy, and then knocked your beer over.
Im watching animal planet drunk, watching a documentary on mermaids. Tonight has not gone to waste.
I woke up to the smell of shame and vomit in my hair... went to the bathroom to shower and passed out... woke back up naked with the blow dryer on... thanks for making my birthday a success
Randomize
