im drinking italian dressing and watching dexter. its 230am. lets never drink on sundays again.
Next time you think about divorce, consider this: a hot guy just walked in and I tried to suck in my back fat.
Don't talk to me about scholarly dedication until you've taken a final in boxers, a bloody tank top and a zip tie to hold your hair back. I wear the most sullied 4.0 crown of all time....
Why is there broken glass in my purse?
You stole a snow globe. From your VP. Soooo...maybe don't put all your hopes on that promotion you were expecting
I have lots of feelings today, but drunk is my favorite.
So...guess who had sex tied to the ladder of a caboose under the stars in Joshua Tree? This bitch
By the way, anytime you want to go toe to toe on Doggystyle lyrics just let me know!
Who is this? Did we just become best friends?!
i just woke with half a bagel saran wrapped to my phone and a cookie in an envelope beside my head...
You popped the Plan B pill then clapped twice, said "mischief managed" and headed tward the bar.
For whatever reason, whenever she's drunk off Crown, all she wants to do is jerk me off with her feet.
I feel like too many of my sentences start of with "Hey, fuckface!"
There is a fake eye lash glued to one of my balls.
I'm 4,715,723% sure I don't give a fuck.
i had to call him over, it was my last chance at getting some tonight
HE HAS A RESTRAINING ORDER AGAINST U!!!
it expires tomorrow
How ironic... opening your legs for closure.
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