I opened up her dishwasher and all I found was a spoon, a juice glass and all her sex toys.
Sorry i'm not sorry i made out with your dad. It was father's day weekend, get a grip
You missed a lot. I drank contact solution thinking it was water, vodka thinking it was water and some unidentified substance that reminded me of pine sol thinking it was water..
Your job is getting in the way of our day drinking. Shots on the hour are not as cool alone.
Yeah kinda weird. My grandparents are here for dinner and I'm chilling on the couch close to tripping out on pain killers. My pap asked me how works going and I prettymuch drooled on myself as an answer.
I'm sitting on our balcony drunk. And in my underwear. Our relationship with our neighbors may improve.
Thanks for having me and my emotional baggage over last night.
Scary truckers and hobos. These are the men I attract
My goal is to not catch on fire... But if i have to dance im going to dance regardless of the danger
Literally this kid just told me he's not planning to live past 30. Then he hit himself with a frying pan.
Let us bow our heads and pray that I don't throw up in the tub
I found an industrial strength sharpie in the drawer so I started writing BONER JAM 2014 on everyone's foreheads so they kicked me out
I told him to come over when I realized that I did have time for a quick booty call before church.
I caught myself caressing my own hand while nurturing a glass of bourbon. I think it's time to get back out there.
I feel like people expect me to always be a sarcastic, shade throwing drunk. And you know me, I hate to disappoint.
Randomize
