I don't smoke a lot but now and then I do. Weed and I are like still standing naked in a bathroom together deciding if we should blow one another or bolt for the exit. An awkward relationship.
I wish I could rss feed the hooker ads on craigslist because it looks suspicious that I check craigslist every hour.
Listen, I'm 30. If it doesnt involve a super soaker and some chicken wings, you can count me out.
Gym doesn't open till 11. I'm sure that of the other four people waiting in the lobby, I'm the only one still drunk and only going to the gym to shower.
I can hear my fat mexican neighbor yelling "do you like that!" ...I hope its not his dog
4 feet of snow. teaching the cats how to snow swim. throwing them off the porch and seeing what happens.
Ever since I told them the story of the sex in the canoe scandal its like I am in season
Just told my mom sparks is a health drink. Officially getting hammered on the way to the beach.
Do you think she will like "you don't have to swallow this time" gift certificates for Xmas?
He told me he wanted to show me something beautiful, then just started peeing off the bridge into oncoming traffic
I found my hair extensions. They were in my hamper.
Also, sex on a first date is no, right? Really, I just don't want to clean my apartment, but I'm trying to hide behind "morals" in an effort to appear less lazy.
You can't Tinder AND have him bring you icecream in the same night. It messes with your vagina.
When breakfast is a rum &coke at the office Christmas party you know it's gonna be a good day
You just kinda wondered into the street and started screaming at dogs and small children...
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