all he gave me for my birthday was sperm
at least its a homemade gift
bouncer thought i was tryin to get the license plate numbers of strippers to stalk them. I had to go show him where I threw up to get back in.
His beard is glorious and he smells like barbecue. Introduce me to him.
I'm okay. We got a prayer rug sent to us with the face of jesus on it. From Tulsa Oklahoma. Kinda weird.
We couldve played the bring a random boy to lunch game but i made him go home
I just made cupcakes.... Vodka icing. Results in the morning.
I found my keys in the basement freezer. Drunk me is a sneaky little bastard.
Don't matter if she's straight, I'll get her. I'm not called The Transformer for nothing
How early is too early to study with margaritas?
He sent me a snap of him eating a tamale shirtless. I think I might be in love.
LOCK HIM DOWN.
Egg rolls and cum. Not my worst snack.
How do you nicely stand up a date that you're skipping for a 3sum
I don't know how I got home but I'm pretty sure the guy in my closet had something to do with it
I think he may actually care that I call him slampiece instead of his real name. Who knew he had feelings?
If only he'd realize the fondness I have for his genitals.
Randomize
