im surrounded by empty glasses of chocolate milk WTF
You lit the bowl with a rolled up paper towel that you ignited on the stove.
it's so much work when my dad takes my car to get fixed, i had to take out the bottles, condoms, and my pipe
Well, she opened the door to puke outside the car, but she threw it open so hard it popped back and hit her in the face.
Just realized the fur coat I am wearing to the wedding is the one I had sex with the groom in
Were at her birthday dinner and her dad keeps buying me shots saying when I was your age I fucked the shit outta girls
Hahahahahaha remind him your dating his daughter
There's a really old guy here with a really young girl. I'm guessing he has to make choo choo train noises to get his dick in her mouth.
He kept pouting and saying i cockblocked him and I kept yelling "I'm sorry...but the cock was never out to be blocked"
Things are burning & the world smells of peanut butter. It's beautiful.
He's gotta be able to drive a truck, make me mac n cheese and give me the best orgasms. That's my perfect man
I convinced every single one of my cousins to bring me a glass of wine. I was the alcoholic queen and they were my subjects.
Ah. Hot spring. Infinitely less skeevy than a hot tub. These North Carolinian dudes are all class.
He also deemed that the fact that I couldn't log into Netflix was not an emergency. He's wrong.
wtf guys I thought we agreed on no more knives. So much for not destroying the house
Our orgasm ration was 1:45. No. Fucking. Joke. I thought I was going to die.
Randomize
