does your mom think i'm crazy? i just realized i played both the gay dad and the ex-jew card tonight. i blame the wine
Lesson 1: you can't keep macking on a girl if you get handcuffed
remember earlier when I said I was over sex with random boys? take it back take it back take it back
She literally thanked me for asking before I put in her ass
Pregnancy confirmed. Complete emotional instability achieved. I just cried through 95% of Avatar.
you were wearing a pair of wings and handing out McDonalds apple pies, if anyone refers to you as the "Rave Fairy" you now know why.
THIS EXPLAINS SO MUCH.
Can we skip lunch and do power hour sex time from now on? I'll let you eat nachos off my body if you really need the food.
So fucking hammered. Is this all spelled right? I'm holding it up to my eye. I am on a boulder. I feel like an owl
They put 3 tbs of cinnamon in vodka shots and called it the "cinnamon death challenge"
I have got to stop taking so many uppers and downers simultaneously. My life is a Dali painting.
I just scored a new eye doctor and a date all in one email. BOOM!
she paid $15 and a box of cheerios for their acid
Well I'm half drunk in a green tutu at a chipotle. So pretty good parade.
Sorry if that was awkward, i will never call you sober ever again
i feel like doing his laundry was not included in the job description when we became fuck buddies.
Randomize
