Never name a vibrator after ashton kutcher
just won a stolen shopping cart in a dance off in a parking lot.
i just realized that fran drescher is the 90's version of a guidette.
she went home with me because she said i reminded her of paul rudd. remind me to thank him for his awkwardness
Why am I in a dog kennel?
It was for your own safety
I found her under my bed eating airplane pretzels.
Okay. Did anyone see me spend $1600 at the strip club last night? Or is this someone else's receipt in my pocket?
She's currently celebrating her completion of "Sober October" with "Margarita Shit-Show November."
It was a karaoke bar combined with a liquor store and had a donkey pen in the back.
Keeping it classy as usual I see
I can't believe you didn't come out. There was a duckling ON THE BAR!
I think he just tried to put your boyfriend in a trashcan....
Current status: Finding an unwrapped portion of Subway sandwich in my purse at the pharmacy counter & picking pieces of tomato off my wallet while the pharmacist watches disdainfully.
Did you offer her some?
If only. Current status: Not that clever.
I am naked, and drinking straight gin with a flat tonic chaser. I had such greater hopes for myself as a child.
yea...tonic water is fucking gross.
Of course that's what I'm wearing. I need to find a beard to mount and ride STAT.
My dog and I just went outside to pee together.
Randomize
