Bar. Show boob. Just one. Free drinks. Instant friends
Guys only need one. Little known secret. You're welcome.
Change your flight to Denver. That's where my penis is.
you kept yelling at her to "show me your genitals" until the bouncers told us to leave...at which point you showed them YOUR genitals...
please don't ever take me to a strip club again...
Out of ice. Vodka+club soda+cut up lime popscicle=I'm an alcoholic genius.
I forgot my id and a man called soup is buying me vodka.
I just remembered something. Did we really all flash the cab driver to get half off?
My phone autocorrects "pooping" to "popping" and I'm like DO YOU EVEN KNOW ME??!
I spent the morning naked in her roommates closet because her parents decided to come over after church..
You sent me a naked picture of you as a child? How is that normal
I woke up with gum stuck to my nipple piercings this morning.. So there's that.
I'm sorry I put my balls through your watch. On another note your roommate had them on his shoulder too sry
Correction: Jimmy johns. The one pita pit employee has been an asshole to me ever since you locked them out of the store
I just don’t understand what sort of USPS worker wants to take my unitard and sex toys.
Turns out the grown up version of seeing your teacher shopping is seeing your therapist is on tinder
We should write a country song: “Blacked Out on a Sunday”
Randomize
