Nothing commands respect in a meeting like Jack Daniels on the breath. You're fine.
my neighbors are having lesbo sex right now.
I'm on my way.
She asked me how I live with myself. I told her one night at a time.
You realize at the bar last night we blew on imaginary whistles like rose from titanic right?
Mym mom just came downstairs as I got ghome ans I'm trying to act SO CASUAL as i stabdh here hut icant help bur be like 'girl where's ther Turkey sandwiche s' haahaa
I literally need you to talke care of me soooo9o9oooooo drubj gril makin a sabdwiche. SO far its judst bred and paper towel...
I keep replaying commercials about kittens frolicking and was crying nonstop. WILL MY PERIOD LAST FOREVER!?
How is it that you get into at least one taco related fight a year?
Explain it like you would if you were talking to a 5 yo
Wait no, like you would to a stoned high school freshman.
sorry
why?
oh you didn't look in the living room yet, did you?
You screamed 'no, YOU put some pants on' at a cop. I pretended not to know you.
You rubbed a frozen pizza in my face. The concerning part was that it was semi cooked from our body heat
I asked him to make me two boxes of macaroni and cheese. That's like eight servings. How did I think that was an okay amount.
So none of you told me my tits were popping out of my shirt for three hours?
We told you. Repeatedly. You said you made it look good.
On the shuttle bus from the Casino the driver refused to take us to the strip club so you said "let me off this bus or ill puke on you".
No? The only contact I've had with him for months was when I drunk texted him from Costa Rica to say that all jazz sounds the same
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