i told him im from Canada, abortion is free
that's what penises do
they tell lies.
The beers last night were like the tears from god
I made him say "i realize i'm cheating on my girlfriend" five times aloud before i would hook up with him. Somehow that has to lessen my bad karma
Dude, I had to stop mid fuck. Her cat was swatting at my balls as I did her from behind. I couldve lost something.
We tried to hook you up with a girl but you said you'd rather fuck the large muscular black man because "At least he'd be tight". He was the bouncer, he heard you.
he was having a black light party and drinking manischewitz wine out of a three foot tall trophy he stole from mcdonald's...that's when I decided it was time to leave
Just opened up the freezer to find chocolate penis popsicles. Too hungover for this shit
Peanut butter fills the cracks of my heart
He FaceTimed me fucking his new girlfriend. He was wearing a banana costume.
I just fell and sprained my ankle in the shower. No, I wasn't having sex. I was doing the time warp. Again.
If you need me I'll be getting drunk in a chewbacca onsie like a real adult.
You can't just bring up bondage and then stop answering me
Sharted again. Stuck in traffic. Fuck
when you come over can you bring tequila and my birth control? Thanks girl!
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