I'm fucking your sister right now.
You motherfucker
She's next.
we played lady & the tramp with a hash brown from McDonald's....im in love.
I think I could pass a breathalyzer. But with like a C.
Y'know, without the cops, it would've just been us daydrinking,
I woke up and there is a food processor in my purse. Someone else's framed family photo. My front door is wide open and my gerbil is playing in the water bong.
Yeah I'm going to bathe him.
I feel like his dick looks like a decorative autumn squash.
I created another version of Halloween, it's called swalloween, whatever girl in a slutty costume you bring home has to swallow or forever be known as the holiday grinch
I'm glad they extended train service last night. People crying, screaming, throwing up, fighting and peeing themselves on a train made me feel like I've got my shit together.
I walked into the bathroom of the hotel and she's in the bath tub with a guy she met a day ago. They were sharing a shrimp cocktail platter and shot gunning bud lights. Oh and it was noon.
Things in my bed this morning: a Waffle House hat, a finding nemo DVD, sharpies, my graduation robes and an adult diaper. Did we play drunk scavenger hunt again?
Someone snapchat me a pic of you topless laying on the bar with Scotty pouring a bottle of tequila down your throat. IT'S NOT EVEN ELEVEN YET.
School starts next week
So when I walked out, everyone was chanting ONE OF US, someone draped a lei over my head, and then she grabbed my ass and dragged me back into the bedroom. I'd say it was a pretty good night to lose my virginity.
I'm about to order this penis-casting kit so text me within 5 mins if you're not down
I only live four blocks from the bar but when you're hammered this walk feels like the journey through Mordor.
Fuck your fuckin pumpkin spice. You and your subtle differences frighten and disgust me.
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