i just made a list of the people i have slept with. is it bad that some of them are just either names of the places i met them or the color of the shirts?
i also rounded the number up for good measure. i am sure there are a few i have forgotten about.
I set the bag of cheetos on the open box on my coffee table while I was watching TV. I was so high I ate half of the styrofoam peanuts in the box by accident. Am I going to die?
I hope so
you were on all fours yelling at the earth to stop spinning.
I gave the naked guy in the hotel hall a pop tart. He stopped crying.
Okay well someone asked "IS HE HOMELESS?" about me so I need to try and find somebody.
Its all fun and games until someone grabs the electrical fence.
I think I'm dead. Why did I think it was a good idea to hang from the banister while someone poured liquor into my mouth?
So we'll go out later for condoms and cake batter... aka grocery shopping for champions.
I tell myself every day I shouldn't be friends with you
if masturbating while stoned isn't called "weed whacking" then i just don't know how to live my life anymore
But how do I turn off the feelings though?
Vodka.
A stripper just invited me to her daughter's birthday. Where did my life go wrong?
The teenager outdrank all of us. All. Of. Us. I woke up and she was getting everyone water and fruit snacks. I give up.
Do not tell guys at bars about kittens you rescue. They will walk away.
I should probably just LinkedIn request everyone I've ever slept with so they stop popping up on my suggested connections list
Randomize
