i found a roscoes card in my pocket that says 'fuck me bare fo $15.20'. Wow
it feels good to walk into a CVS and not go straight to the pharmacy counter for plan b. its been a while....
Sleepwalking naked until I was 12 made it so much easier to get away with drinking at moms now.
I think i accidentally made vodka pancakes
so why was i the only one who woke up with ham stuck to my ass?
I'm drinking screwdrivers in the pool naked. Call 911 if I don't check in regularly
she fucked me tho cuz it was her cat's birthday. As soon as we were done she just says "ahhh tequila tuesdays"
Oh shit. There are penis maracas
I didn't want to have to tell you this, violating our brother/sister code not to discuss these things but: for the love of christ stop inviting that 21 year old idiot I slept with for six months to EVERY PARTY WE THROW.
I wanna throw up and cum in that order
She just hopped out of the car at a red light to pet the baby Jesus in the nativity scene.
Not worth it.
Grandpa got a dui while riding a horse. This is what I need to live up to.
I never thought I would be having sex behind a shower curtain that wasn't in a bathroom.
i can't believe i'm giving you sex advice.
i've gotten sex advice under stranger situations. like while giving a blowjob behind the communications building.
He left his phone. Turns out he;s been sexting with some girls who can't spell. Time to break out the herpes scare.
Randomize
