You admitted to me in secrecy that you want to jerk off a unicorn.
i learned a valuable lesson last night. sometimes nice girls finish first. twice.
keep it on the DL tho cause i dont want it getting out and it coming off like i kidnapped her or something
I drank mimosas and played bocce ball in the middle of finals week...now i know how Comm majors feel all the time.
Found my smoke alarm in a ziploc in my toilet...again
First drunken handjob: not successful. Second handjob, mostly sober: much better. Nightly news brought to you by me.
the point of no return was when you "drugged" his drink with glitter. face-planting on his dick was beyond.
It's 6 am and I've spent the last few hours searching for a cork screw or suitable substitute. You had none. Incidentally, I finally opened this bottle of wine, but owe you a new meat sticky thing with those two prongs. Sobriety is not good for me. Or your utensils.
I said I usually like going out for coffee before torturing someone's genitals. He said he understood.
I'm hungover as hell. I'm dying. I have no skin left on my knees
Just did the walk of shame in front of his dad while I was wearing his gym shorts and my heels from graduation last night. Keep it classy '12
I woke up this morning to my house being turned into a bad European dance club at 8:30am. Do you know what "UNS UNS UNS" sounds like at 8:30am? Murder. It sounds like murder.
I feel like cursing someone's first born child right now. Like I wanna maleficent some bitch.
In my drunk state I was like I ONLY HAD SEX WITH SOMEONE ELSE BECAUSE HE WAS THE HOTTEST GUY IVE EVER EVEN SEEN
I was trying to remember why my knees hurt then I remembered I was twerking on the countertops.
Randomize
