theyre just this beautiful family of functioning alcoholics. i want them to adopt me.
I'm sorry i'm just too high to handle anything besides pirates of the caribbean right now.
he wont speak to me right now because i told him it must suck knowing he'll never be as good as edward cullen..idiot.
They upped the price of Plan B! Rite-aid is going to be the reason I have illegitimate kids.
Dude I pulled down his pants and he already had a condom on
I don't know why I've never thought to take my bong into the bathtub before.
I just realized that my phone was set to Brazilian time...what the fuck happened last night
i'm going to invent a mini fridge that can hang from faucets so i don't have to get out of the bathtub anymore for a cold beer. its a million dollar idea
It's just one of those nights that , as long as you have the drugs, everything is going to be alright.
I don't always steal things but when i do it is a six foot five dos equis guy
I told him he could fuck me once he could grow a beard. Never expected seeing him ten years later with a goatee and a great memory...
We found her on the balcony debating if it was easier to jump or throw up. Neither decision would not have been good for the 91 year old below us.
You should frame my arrest warrant.
I don't think I have face palmed that many times in such a short period. And I've worked tech support.
Also while I’m drunk I saw your penis in like 4th grade when I walked past the boys bathroom
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