On the way home from Florida I threw up at the beginning border and ending border of 6 states. You win this year Spring Break.
The best thing he's ever done for me was comment on my profile picture saying "hello boner"
I was masturbating with the shower head and someone flushed the other toilet. Pretty sure I have 3rd degree burns on my clit.
Saturday dinner is funfetti cake and merlot. Singlehood has come to this.
You obviously dont comprehend the level of insane i operate at
I tried exercising today. I ended up masturbating to the Wii fit trainer.
I am going to be fat forever.
Things I woke up with this morning: half a mcmuffin, orange hair, one shoe and a friendly german man. Tequila was a brilliant idea.
I think as far as last words to bitter ex girlfriends go, "enjoy that staph infection youre about to get in your uterus" is right up there with the best
I don't feel bad about fucking old guys. That's what I want. It's what I likeeeeee.
I'll just save you what dignity you have left by letting what happened die with your lack of memory and/or liver.
Just called the boss a "cunt baguette". To her face. This is why I can't drink with people from work. Know of anywhere that's hiring?
The only people allowed to make me cry are myself and Chris Hemsworth as Thor. And me.
So I just got motorboated by my grandma…
I vaguely remember ordering a water at some point last night. It's good to know drunk me can still be responsible.
Dude you came into the room last night soak and wet and told me you just took a shit in the shower
Randomize
