she really just asked how mermaids reproduce.
im contemplating emailing my dad and telling him how worthless i am and how sorry i am that he pays for my life...aka my bar tabs.
There's a girl sitting in front of me making a PowerPoint on Jack Bauer.
I think his glow in the dark Star Wars sheets, at the time, really turned me on.
She told me I should be a condom model.
Had a drag queen carry me to the car. So I'm told...
Still want to know how you got back last night? Two Campus Security Officers carried you in around 430. Your pants were around your ankles.
I hate Sailor Jerry.
Sitting in airport bathroom. Guy walks into toilet next to me and announces "I want to apologize to the entire airport for what I'm about to do"
Drunk me wrote a bucket list last night. #4 is "hate fuck a childhood enemy". Can we make this happen?
The problem with that is that my car has been stolen
So do you remember the bartender that caught me when I fell off the bar 4 weeks ago? He hasn't been to work since...Woops.
I need ecstasy. And, before you ask, the answer is yes right now
I called 911 when they kicked me out of the bar last night.
Giiirrrllll. Back to back snaps of dicks. Two different guys sent me their dick at the same time. This is totally what our founding fathers meant with life, liberty, and the pursuit of happiness.
The modern romantic, surprising his gf w/ a gram of blow
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