life is too short to starve
life is also too short to be fat
one might say we're banned from that church
Just walked in on my older brother getting a bj. He told the girl to "keep going" and then attempted to high five me
you got me arrested i just think that goes without question you owe me a blowjob
While looking for an apartment, I've realized that the way I rate balconies is on the "how easy would it be to smoke weed here" scale.
What other scale is there?
They fucked on my pong table last St. Patty's and broke it. I feel like I should be hiding my new one. Would hate for a tradition to form.
Judging by the garbled spelling in the calendar reminders in my phone, drunk me really wanted sober me to take a pregnancy test today.
Monday is now my bitch. I just did 20 naked push ups on the bar for $20
Are you doing that thing where you're convinced I made a terrible decision
Daily.
He was so drunk we almost didn't even make it to his place because he didn't know where he lived
She woke up next me in bed and told me to stop driving so fast.
I hate that I still want him to look at me as the vagina that got away.
My life is over, I got a mugshot while wearing a shirt that said 'milf hunter'.
Do you know how hard it is to have sex on an air matress while there are people sleeping in the same room?!?!?
The waxing lady fingered me during my brazilian. 40 dollars well spent
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