Fuck him tonight for the both of us. We're still tag-teaming in spirit.
I'm shutting down my vagina temporarily...it's like the last two weeks were a going out of business sale...and now it needs a break...
So many lesbians keep hitting on me. I'm about to give up and just go home with the manliest one.
The amount of my urine my roommate has consumed after I found out he's been eating my food almost offsets how angry I am
We eventually had to ration the melon vodka. 10 pushups per shot. THATS why my arms hurt
So as your former husband, I get to give you away at the wedding right?
I dont know how to respond to your rave picture. I mean yeah, he's hot, but it just seems wrong to be like "Please tell me you fucked that guy with the pacifier!"
I went through my entire iTunes library and made a playlist called "Feelings". I have 7.5 hours of feelings.
Im in my back seat in my own drive way with two beers left to shotgun and watching the sunrise. Am I over her yet?
I have six new people in my phone that I don't remember adding. One of them is "Bourbon Yeah." Successful evening?
Just had a med school interview with that doctor I fucked in college. He remembered. Asked if I still have my nipple rings. Overall, I think it went well.
Turns out he's just a recently divorced IT guy. Not a wizard.
I just want you to know you're the worst sister ever.
If this is about me and your ex, it's not my fault she doesn't like men.
Whatever he got a sick blow job and his high school fantasy was fulfilled
And that's what dreams are made of
*hilary duff crying in the background*
So the makeout sesh? Not so great. His stubble rubbed my face raw, he tried to push me towards auto-erotic asphyxiation, and he licked my forehead. Twice.
Randomize
