I wanted to google "huge banana" but I'm pretty sure all I'd get is dick pictures.
I wanted to dispute a few 411 charges on my phone bill. The service rep told me I called them four times asking for Lady Gaga's number.
is election day enough of a holiday to justify getting fucked up on a tuesday?
Lets just say that a certain piercing set off certain alarms when I went thru the airport detector/scanner thingie. David was high fived like 12 times.
I was wearing the shirt my little sister got for her birthday when the condom broke. I finally have it back to her and told her it was bad luck
Really? A fat girl?
I'm walking her back. Chill out.
She is a nice girl okay. For some reason we are in my room though.
It probably would have happened but I just can't picture myself losing my virginity while laying on top of his Quiksilver duvet set.
At the bar, some guy bumped into you and you screamed "hey, don't touch what you can't afford sunshine!"
holy fucking shit get me out of here. even the babies are wearing beanies
Killing two birds with one stone tonight: mastrabation meditation. Win win.
You also once spent an entire hour explaining the origin of the strip steak to me.
how I know last night was a good night: this morning I found a bottle of tapatio, a bag of chicken and a bag of popcorn in my purse.
I'm drinking on a Thursday because I can
Today is Wednesday you jobless drunk
I just talked comic books with a cop. We high-fived as he was running my name.
Proud of you.
We discussed the legality of being a vigilante. I won.
So not only did I get laid today but I also left with a 42” tv lol
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