I got so drunk I pissed the bed last night. He still likes me. He's a keeper
He is a keeper. You on the other hand are not.
I was so drunk last night, I had to Wikipedia what i did.
i celebrated the independence of our country by dry heaving tequila all morning. so classy. happy 4th.
honestly if we didnt hate the same people we would have a friendship based on nothing
Fuck that. I'm not afraid to die. I'll prove you can survive on a bagel bites and rum diet.
He's upstairs shouting 'FUCK OFF I'M IN MY MOTHERFUCKING ZEN ZONE' out of the window.
I had to run home with my hands covering my tits this morning. How does this keep happening?
WHEN THE FUCK DID MCDONALD'S DECIDE TO QUIT SERVING BURGERS AT 1:00AM?
I would peed on everything
And thanks to you I'm pretty sure I'm banned from every qdoba in south carolina. And cab company
She tried to subtly measure me, but I noticed. She told me I barely made the cut otherwise there would have been just a handshake as a parting gift.
The homeless woman that called me a "dirty looking cunt" the other day, was standing outside Starbucks today with a sign that said "Jesus loves you."
After we hooked up, his roommate shouted "I LIKE TO HAVE SEX TOO" from across the apartment
I am googling "notable people who had syphilis"
I am rewearing my dress from last night. I only wore it for like two hours before fucking. And I took it off first so no cock contact. This is my new standard of cleanliness.
There is a pool of ranch salad dressing in my purse...I know thats always been something you've wanted to try..so don't even act like you didn't do this.
Randomize
