im going to pretend im pregnant so i can eat a lot then i will accidentally fall down the stairs
I must have had a great time last night.. I woke up with coconut oil all over my glasses
Apparently on the way out of the ER i asked the nurse to doggie-bag me some more morphine.
We've only been driving for two hours and I'm already down 3 vicodin...I'm not going to survive this family vacation.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
He said he loved me so I pretended not to hear it because I don't think "I love your penis" was the response he was looking for.
College students should never be allowed to have snow days. Never.
Her legal name is Candy. Her being a whore is implied.
At some point I'd like to figure out how the weird kid from sociology ended up on my couch naked hugging what appears to be some sort of clothing....seriously it's creeping me out
I am one Jewel song away from suicide watch
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
your sister totally cock blocked me last night don't even think about inviting her to taco night
Also, I'm sat on the floor drinking cava because life is just not working for me tonight.
I just dried my bra with your hair straightener because the drier is broken again.
EVERYTHING IS DISNEY. Even my sexting can lead to Disney.
If I was home I'd be ouija boarding the fuck out of the house, haven't been this high since that day
Update on my sex life: my calves are sore from masturbating too much. It's a thing. Look it up.
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