i jus seen this fat chick walk buy look like she had don king coming out her arm pits..
Should I go home with him even though I know my Run DMC undies have skid marks on them?
just gave a yankee's fan wrong directions to Fenway....welcome to boston asshole
Nope it's him. He's whispering to himself and buying asparagus.
All his texts have the signature of a date with a smile. I asked him what it means. IT'S THE DAY HE QUIT DOING DRUGS
Most eventful shower ever. Jacked off, peed and puked in there.
I'll be there in 5 min. If not, read this again.
oh and i'm sorry i sold you for three cigarettes last night
Odd question. Did you find a 20 in your boxers? I need it for gas.
Everyone is slow dancing to Aerosmith. I am serenading a slice of pizza.
she says she's going to shake me awake in 15min intervals if I pass out
this was your mom?
So somebody asked her is she's okay.She turned around,started running and screamed "Ballet is running through my veins" before doing a small pirouette.It's amazing how she managed not to fall.
Life hack: hotbox while in the car wash. It'll change your life.
Sarah was butt-chugging wine and diarrhea'd all over the wall
The good news is I woke up fully clothed, on top of my covers, with a half eaten granola bar. So, breakfast was waiting for me and I’m already dressed and ready to go today.
Randomize
