My feet smell like cheese. Makes me hungry.
She made me repeat after her: "I take responsibility for what I put in my own mouth."
Living right is spending a lot of time in someone's ass
i left him drunk and in the fetal postion in the shower.
was the water running?
yeah but he said he knows how to swim
My bosses just told me they met their wives on one night stands. I'm stoked.
Just a heads up. Everytime I get arrested in Maine I claim I lost my ID and use your name.
I've never seen so many strippers at a funeral...
I'd feel sorry for him and his injury but it's an inconvenience for my vagina
I'll be there. With Doritos and whisky. Don't expect much more.
Please put me in a whole with no windows and never let me out.
This is simple. Just sex and high fives. No feelings.
I'm not wearing a bra, watching Netflix and eating gushers. I don't know a better way to spend a hangover.
I passed out in all my clothes. like my purse too..and with a cup of water next to me..and my last tweet last night was "Bye."
Hangover and judgement, the breakfast of champions.
just caught myself putting beer in the oven and pizza in the fridge. i should be a trainwreck by tonight.
Randomize
