things that need to be invented #43: vodka that also acts as birth control.
Maryland truck stops are full of people with killer mustaches
Im interpreting your silence as a silent plea for me to come wake you up. See you soon.
i decided to cut a 3rd hole in to my snuggie so i could masturbate all the time.. all time low? or genius?
How many 'remember name' entries is it inappropriate to have in one's cell phone?
about to get into a hot tub with three cops. this cant go well
I'm thinking we can stop tracking my sex life by the hotels I've hooked up in and instead use bar bathrooms I've gotten head in.
Not sure if jager bombs can cure tuberculosis, but its a theory im testing as we speak
Became best friends with the hotdog stand creeper outside the bar. Cried and told him my feet hurt too much to walk home then begged him to hire me.
I think it's awesome that you're getting shower sex advice from a Mormon.
The bartender seems to not like the DD's anymore. I'm sad
1) I'm a decent drunk texter. 2) My world is spinning. 3) I'll give you a dollar and a hug for a glass of water. 4) I love you. 5) Example: your penatrive ways are overwhelming my alternative lyfestyle. 6) That is all.
7) Noodle arms: engage
The example was me just using big words while hammered. You're welcome. Ambidextrious. I spelled it right.
Although now I have "number of cheese slices" as a unit of boob measurement in my head.
He told me to grab his penis so I did and swung it around and said “awe, it looks like the wacky inflatable tube man.
So i've noticed that drunk me erases sent messages to hide them from sober me, because drunk me knows that sober me will be PISSED at drunk me.
Randomize
