All I wanted to tell you is that I fucked a guy covered in fake blood, who circumcised himself.
He passed out mid-signature
After we hooked up, he left the room and no one has seen him since last night. That kid redefined hit it and quit it.
i must of done something right to please the booty call gods. . . maybe fucking that fat chick?
just tried googling 24 hr taco bell and when i typed "24 hour" it autocompleted with fitness. buzzzz killllll
you shall refer to me as my indian name from now on...running with dumb cunts
Marking my student's "don't do drugs" posters while simultaneously texting my dealer, is this what being a grown up is like?
Will the fact that I have 4 boob hickies add to or take away from tonight's outfit?
That amazing moment when the girl in the passenger seat decides to strip you while your driving.
He showed up at my door at 3 AM wearing a Santa hat with a tiara attached.
She told me she brought a guy home but that he looked pickled. And no, that's not an autocorrect.
Hahahah pickled
I asked her what she meant and she said that he looked like he had soaked in water.
Explaining that I bought them at a strip club gift shop with my friend didnt make the furry handcuffs seem less weird
Did i fall last night when u carried me home.
idk
OHHH yea you fell down the stairs face first
on a scale from 1 to "can't put a toothbrush in your mouth without gagging" how hungover are you?
Hot guy next to me on the flight lives near my grandparents. There’s a 100% chance I end up drunk and naked in his hot tub
Happy Thanksgiving to me!!!
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