You're gonna have to start calling my house phone from now on
How come?
Cuz 'Dad' looked pretty similar to the word Dane when i sent that picture message
She got kicked off the plane and spent the last four hours in a holding cell with the feds.
but she's really nice
Got drunk. Then they sung "we didnt start the fire" to my other cousin who accidentally burnt down the house when she was younger.
Correct me if I'm wrong but the photo album titles "cause I've been drankin" and "baby jessica" should not belong to the same person.
test run with donkey pinata disastrous. broken glass and tequila EVERYWHERE
Just pissed in my own closet. Had no idea adult dinner parties could he so awesome.
I THREW AWAY MY VIBRATOR BECAUSE IT INTIMIDATED HIM. WORST. DECISION. EVER
Ya these assholes wanted to like sit around and eat cupcakes and watch the notebook. I was like fuck you, I want to go make some people uncomfortable in public.
I'm sorry, our booty call lines closed at 2 am. If you are receiving this message it is our off hours. Please try again between the hours of 12pm and 2 am to reschedule your booty call. Thank you for your cooperation.
Expect nothing less than me teaching them how to do shots and put condoms on
I say go for the trifecta and maybe you'll get a medal or something. Or a baby. That's like the same thing right?
Last thing I ever expected to say, "Get your finger out of my ear or I will stop sucking your dick."
I knew my sister shouldn't have gone to the bacherlotte party. Two of the other brides maids have black eyes and my fiancé called me and asked if this is the crazy she's marrying
I'll be perfectly honest; there are times other guys have consented to have sex with me because of my punctuation.
He went three whole days without making a star wars reference, of course he got sex
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