I told a kindergarten student that candy canes are bones of reject elves.
she just took a shower. i'll probs go down on her to encourage shower taking. it's like pavlov, you know?
yeah but it's new years. they should arrest people for being sober that day.
i gave her road head last night, needless to say it wasn't the same and i bit a chunk of the inside of my cheek off.
I don't think I have ever been told that I am "probably too drunk to pet the stingrays" by a cop before.
i just remembered last night waiting for you to pick me up wearing my bra on my head to protect me from the rain
I know. It's cray. Crayon. Crayolaaaaa.
Somewhere between the 30 minutes of cunnilingus, the improvised song about the Olympics, and the super thoughtful shower beer... I knew I married the right guy
Are you still free tonight?
Oh shit I kinda forgot and took acid
I was afraid she wouldn't be able keep up but I woke up in a bathtub, she called me a pussy and made me pancakes.
I'm a dude in a dress, who came to a party with Holly GoLightly, got hit on by Bambi's mom, and wants to do terrible things to Link. Halloween is weird
ive decided that just saying "yes" when people assume I am something other than Caucasian will highly benefit my love life. last night I was native.
I swear to God if you start calling your dick “my pegasus” we’re not friends anymore
I'm concerned I may die tonight. All I've been told about my bday shenanigans is to bring slutty clothes, a bikini, tylenol, sunglasses and pjs. Tell me what the fuck is going on...now
bring lube too
i hate all of you
Going back to our hometown to help Gramma move. Thinking we should see if we can fuck on the desk of the homophobic coach who first introduced us while in town.
Randomize
