Sex don't cost a thang now that you can buy trojans with meal points.
Someone wrote that you're a whore in one of the bathroom stalls
I didn't know I was popular enough to be hated. This is awesome
Why is there a living, breathing cow on your front porch?
I had to hold off a girl who was trying to check your pulse while you were passed out. She kept screaming that she was a nursing major and needed to make sure you were alive.
Remember the time we were in the hospital and I wanted to steel the arm restraints and use them as sex toys?? Oh college memories....
Dear Beer Goggles, it's time to see the eye doctor. With love, your biggest fan.
I just called him "young grasshopper" in a conversation. THIS is why I don't get numbers when I'm sober
She sent me a map and directions for a booty call. In a park. Give me reason not to marry her.
I'm drunk in a field. the chupacobra is going to eat me. if I die serve vodka at my funeral.
It feels like I'm being stabbed in the uterus with a rake. That night was totally worth it though. Thanks.
His pillow talk sucks. It was like Mr. Roger's vagina.
My very favorite thing in the whole world is when guys try to booty call her as I'm fucking her. Sucks to suck.
I just had to explain why I ate a whole quart of mac and cheese before 8am. Not a good start to the day
That’s talent right there. Maverick and Goose type shit.
That same damn squirrel keeps staring at me like I did something wrong. Nature knows when you're hung over.
Randomize