Omg. If Ina Garten Makes roast chicken one more time im going to strangle her with her white button down
its like he missed a chap in the "being a guy" handbook and read the bible instead
I'm looking at pot farms on google earth. Google should be proud I found a real purpose for it to serve.
I'm terrified to sleep next to her. Of course the sex will be fuckng awesome.
I'm drinking whiskey outta the bottle trying to earn the trust of some ducks in the yard
when he was about to finish he told me to avert my eyes and keep my lady parts away. chivalry isnt dead.
He was dressed in a pink dressing gown feeding people ketamine from a plastic sword he called Excalibur. how was your Monday?
Februarys looking very promising in the vaginal department
He sent me a snap chat of his naked torso with cookies over his nipples. Like.... that does not make me want you homeboy.
I wore wrist and ankle weights while we had sex. Does that count as working out?
I am about five seconds from ripping off my clothes and throwing myself into the ocean to become a mermaid
Why am I sleeping on top of the fridge?
You were playing hide and seek with the dog. she couldn't find you and you passed out.
when they cut me off i played the entire Justin Bieber playlist and left for another bar that didn't think i'd had enough to drink
I wanted to have a threesome but they’re TOO HETERO
I STUDIED GEOGRAPHY I KNOW THIS SHIT!! DON'T YOU DARE QUESTION MY AUTHORITY ON GLACIAL DEPOSITION AGAIN BITCH!!
Randomize
