apparently they started giving me water shots and i couldnt tell the difference
Found a waterbottle filled with a bloody mary in my purse this morning. Blacked-out me is always trying to help hungover me, it's so cute.
If I had a clone, I'd fuck it with a condom
We drove past his house blaring "Like a virgin" in the middle of the day. pretty sure he heard.
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He apologized for his naked psychotic episode and then we had goodbye sex on his sailboat
He legit pounded my cooking wine, because he was to cheap to buy beer. He is so not getting any.
I would feel bad sleeping with her unless all of her personalities were on board with it.
He broke up with me over the phone while I was getting my bush waxed into a "D" for his surprise birthday present. Talk about bad timing...
Delete that photo of me. My ass looks WAY to good it in to be on Facebook for everyone to see. You gotta earn that shit.
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When a bartender remarks "wow" on how quickly you've finished a drink... Is that good or bad?
I need you there. I need someone to glance at when other people inevitably annoy me.
I'm so hung over that I just tried to send you a screen shot of the cracked screen on my phone.
He told me he was gonna go wash a trailer and somehow I ended up eating vodka fruit with children in a green bean field.
She told him that she never wanted to see him again then took his takeout box of bacon cheddar fries and got in the uber saying "for feminism"
Who is naked dude in the kitchen?
Randomize