I just googled "whats above a trillion", thats how busy I am at work.
it tastes like there's a party in my mouth and everyone is throwing up
My therapist said that she thinks i may have a sex addiction. I think she may be a terrible therapist.
Want me to drive you to Dr. Drew's sex rehab?
Nah, cause then i cant masturbate to that show anymore.
I'm sorry for what I said earlier...your vagina wouldn't look funny If you had a kid.
what is the aproppriate waiting time between having sex and playing super Mario brothers
6 min
she laid there and continued moaning loudly for like 10 minutes after we were done, just so that her mom would be jealous
You called me at 2am singing 'happy birthday' while screaming 'I fucking love you' verses, all while eating a burrito and taking a piss off your apartment balcony
Yeah I know, the people below me already told me
I took an adderall. This is weird. My eyes are really wide open and I am really good at staring. I've written on 9 peoples walls and updated my status. I am getting shit DONE!
He seemed like a really nice guy. He tried to dry my shirt because someone spilled their drink on me. I think that's how I ended up topless on his dryer.
I get that he's ugly and I deserve better but I will still beat up the girls he hangs out with.
My alarm clock on my phone was changed to Fat Bottom Girls over the weekend, and I just now noticed. I'm actually okay w that after Mardi Gras. Well done, random. Well done.
This late night dumpster diving sesh is making my quads cramp up
Really stoned me is having a very serious, intent conversation with my mom about egg rolls and koolaid flavors.
I just need a fucking pair of pants. Is that too much to ask for?
So about that you can bill me for the chair but it was David's idea to jump from the window sill into the washer with "clothing pillows of cloudiness" to land on to get ahold of him you have to phone his mother
I just talked to her she really hates you like a lot
Randomize
