Dude, I just rear-ended a cab
Are you drunk?
A little...yes
Run!
Terrible brother advice.
When he took off his pants i accidently shouted "that is one small wiener," and thats when he left
you'd think someone with a dick that small would take what he could get
I only make drug deals in a British accent. It's my way of making sure it doesn't get too sketch.
you were on all fours yelling at the earth to stop spinning.
nothing like a walk of shame in front of a cnn news crew to start the morning off right
Finally hooked up w/ that yoga instructor chick. Got a little more than I expected. Like a full on bush more than I expected. How do you tell a girl that her bush scares you?
i think I'm just gonna buy a new vibrator, body pillow, some guys cologne to spray on it, a life time supply of wine and weed and be done with all this shit
You bring me burritos. Of course I text you during sex
But I did discover that he's totally okay with going down on me while I eat taco bell so that's a plus, right?
For both our sake, we've decided to ban watching combat sports before sex
I wanted to say "you're a souless cunt" but in a nice way. So I added a smiley face.
Danny put 5 hr energy in the jungle juice (that brilliant bastard) and I almost showed my penis to Alex. It was a rough night.
My roommate just woke up to me masturbating in our room. I figured this would happen eventually.
He made me promise not to describe his penis in detail to you....oops.
Is 6 weeks really a benchmark now?
Ask me in 6 more weeks, when they're in a bisexual polycule.
Randomize
