I walked in on him cutting a hole in the condom.
not allowed to tweet this cos she's following me but i definitely just got head in a stairwell of the university of chicago. wanted you all to know.
it never fails, everytime he manages to fuck my earrings out of my ears.
Wash that dress asap. You laid down on the kitchen floor and tried to sweep the floor with your body.
thank god we only have to drink eggnog and rum once a year. It taste like shit.
I'm just pissed at the whore who takes over my body when I'm blacked out.
Sitting on the curb by new england comics with a weeping drunk girl who's eating french fries saying she'll never be as successful as her sister the hand model. She's scaring the nerds.
second roommate of the year to get clamydia. go life.
I'm about 95% it's a collapsed lung. Go big right?
Drive by water balloon fight on $500,000 boats ended when someone threw a dildo
My pants zipper is stuck halfway down. I have to interview an intern later. This day is gonna be amazing,
Well if she's the kinda girl that doesn't want you after seeing a pic of your balls squeezed together, she's not the girl for you.
I made out with about ten people last night. And four of them were just on the way to my car from the bar. And one was my roommate.
Soooo we should kick it sometime when it's like light outside. Drink outta cups.. Be bitches. 7, 6, 3, 5.. 4, 2, 1... Sschhkiddaellladiieessscchk
Afterwards the first thing I said was, "You know, you're probably the first guy who has ever gotten laid wearing Star Wars pajama bottoms."
Randomize
