Just met a synchronized swimmer, can you imagine the things she could do in the water
Legs for days
Harpoon that
You need to come back and get me. This is not a jersey shore party and he is not dressed as Pauly D and I am about one shot away from hooking up with a real fist pumping Guido.
I got a handjob from a sober married woman in a parking lot in the middle of the day, yet you still cant manage to get laid by a drunk single slut at the bar at 1am. Wtf
Well, I just watched him puke into his pitcher at the bar, I doubt he cares about anything other than the fact that he needs a new beer.
I got out of bed with her to go smoke a bowl with her roommate which was fine but I passed out when I went upstairs to take a piss.
Yeah.. she's probably not gonna call.
I threw all my money on the ground and said it was for homeless people and fell down the stairs
But I do know they give away thousands and thousands in booze
My liver has a boner
I mean, on what planet are nipples suppose to look like that?
Ladies and gentlemen, the only person I know who would keg stand in pearls and a bow.
This is not 2004 anymore. It's not acceptable to get fingered while watching 'Ferngully' in a basement full of your friends.
No he can't come. I swear to gods he's "Why We Can't Have Nice Things" given physical form.
Well, I told him that it's not all about him. Then I gave him the best blow-job in the history of blow-jobs.
So I stole cocaine from one of my Tinder hookups
And that is the most millennial sentence I've ever said
I knew I was in for a long night after I filled the empty pinata carcass with beer, bit off the top of one of it's legs and used it as a beer bong.
it looks like a nuclear can of fuck blew up in here
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