i just ate something from under my fingernail. i dont know what it was, but it tasted half decent
we were having sex in the bathroom when his aunt knocked on the door
and rather than go out and meet her, i climbed out the window. so now she thinks he was masturbating and moaning his own name in a really girly voice
her vagina looked like bernie madoff
im spending all my christmas money on new years parafanalia aka things I will ingest or lose by the next morning
I wish the iPhone would register texts from 11:59 as "Last Year" instead of "Yesterday."
Just found a shot glass and plan b in my backpack...
Im guessing the shot glass is for plan c?
I'm scared at the amount of beastiality in this conversation.
My mascara kind of smells like tequila to me...Is this my body crying for help or asking for a shot?
He had a step stool to get in to his bed!
There are many penises to be discovered and claimed tonight
We're like Lewis and Clark
Did you know they have a bouncer at Applebee's because I did not
I met a gypsy today. She told me my soul animal was an owl and says she will now remember me as "Owl Girl".
I dropped her off at home and her fiancé was shitty, it was 4:30 am. I told him I was the Uber driver
Dinner at 5, shrooms at 10.
We showed up to the ER to pick him up and I was still wearing face paint from the game. Then I threw up in the sink. Those doctors did not like us at all.
Randomize
