I accidentally told him I've been cheating on him with his brother last night.
How did that happen by accident?
I was drunk and vomited all over him and thought, "maybe he will just stay with me out of pity if I tell him with stomach acid and alcohol all over his crotch." I was wrong.
Jon and Kate. Drink everytime we see tears. Drink twice if a child cries. Finish your bev if you cry.
I told you I was good to drive
dumbass I drove... you sat in the passengers seat and steered with a paper plate
So he handed us the weed then asked us if we needed any papers. And she goes "i dont know what that means, do we need to sign something?"
right before he passed out he said "take care of your tender spirit"
We were both halfway out the window trying to give each other high fives over the roof while the dude was going 150.
he's measuring my pool to see how much jello powder he needs. He got paid today.
preface to our conversation: my vagina hurts.
Regret, thy taste is box wine.
I think I might be harboring a Canadian in my womb.
Hey. Im sorry to bother you but I just watched the seinfield episode about faking an orgasm and it caused me to second guess myself. Were you satisfied?
Not sure if your roommate speaks German while sleeping, or if she woke up, figured out we were fucking, and used German to swear at us.
What, so now you are his nutritionist and his fuck buddy?
They had an Olympic theme party at her work yesterday. She brought home her fake gold medal and hung it on my cock after she rode me.
I AM GONNA CUM EVERYWHERE TONIGHT BRO.
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