Update. It gets worse. A) he's done viagra and B) he wears socks at all times.
so my 6 year old came home from school and asked me if he was a bastard cause the kids at school called him one, i told him to call them a clit. those parents will hate me
What started as a "classy" double date ended with Jeremy and I tripping our balls off and talking to the refrigerator while the girls cried on the couch and questioned where their lives were heading.
I have pictures of you scratching against the sliding glass door on your knees screaming how you felt like a lamb.
I shouldn't be home alone with this much peanut butter and the dog. I feel like i'm being recorded to see when my desperation will peak.
My bullwhip has saved my life tonight and gotten me laid. I'm gonna be Indiana Jones every Halloween!
Did you sleep with Connor? And who undressed me? There's a picture of two guys peeing out my bedroom window. What happened?
What's more awkward than your little brother in law screaming, "I SAW YOUR TITTIES" at the breakfast table?
His step dad chiming in on the jokes.
Nautical themed porn is also great bc someone usually wears a captains hat
The alcohol tastes like we did a beer run at the nail salon
So I woke up alone in the hotel room clutching a bible to my chest. Explain, please.
I'm gonna watch porn and nap. I think I really have this Valentine's Day thing down
I've been with my family a total of 20 minutes and I'm ready to go on a bender. This is going to be a long weekend.
I swear if you laugh while im moaning i will immediately stop and go home.
Let's just say when I woke up I was still drunk. My hangover hit me around noon so I chilled w my dad and took a bath and shower at the same time. You just can't do that at college
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