he just kept going up to random asian girls and yelling at them for breaking up the beatles
I fell asleep with my vibrator still in me. I am the Queen of Sad Masturbation.
I held a cracker & gaterade down for an hour. I feel like this will be my greatest accomplishment of the day.
I feel more comfortable going down on her then actually kissing her.
Why doesn't he get that I would rather give him blow jobs than be in a relationship?
Frats are adorable. They make mediocre guys think they're worth a shit.
...the American dream.
You tried tipping the cashier at Cook Out by shoving a dollar bill down his shirt and yelling "Magic Mike"
hey if you're going to the hospital do you wanna pick me up a taco on your way back
Grass is always greener, Allison, grass is always greener
The grass is drunker and I'm lying down on it
Know anything about my roof collapsing last night?
Tequila.
Brb crying the tears of my youth
we need to find a way to be drinking champagne 24/7
But for real though. That weed tastes like the jolly laughter of Santa Claus.
Is it weird that the best sex I've ever had was to Barbara Streisand's Christmas album?
I was taking a nap and she comes in wo/ pants, gets up on the bed and mounts my face while watching Weeds on Netflix. I'm okay with it, but at least let me wake up first.
Randomize
