I love my grandma, but if I have to sit and watch one more show on Bravo, I'm gonna burn her fuckin house to the ground
it appears as though my vagina has gotten the best of me again
Last thing I remember was you straddling a guy in a wheelchair on the dance floor.
Emergency need house key where r u I just got shit o n
You would be married by May if you put half as much energy into getting straight guys as you do into getting gay guys
it took me 7 solid minutes to realize "egggGSaucetingf" meant "exhausting"
They high fived mid Eiffel Tower, then we all proceeded to talk about how our friendship is much stronger now. I'd say a successful first threesome.
She told me my pubes were as soft as "fine wool"
Not sure if it's my shorts, hat, shoes, hair or soul but one of the above just got me drunk again from the glorious aroma of Keystone Light.
I actively tried geting in the guy's pants and ended up in the girl's. I'm bad at this whole straight while drunk thing.
Ok spinning in the opposite direction thatg the room was spinning was the worst advice ever
Her dog trainer Fuck buddy is over here again. She sounds like a squeaky toy and he talks to her like he talks to the dog. I CAN HEAR EVERYTHING!!!
And then we made magical love in his room under a blacklight as his roommate and girlfriend argued violently in the living room
That tingly feeling you're experiencing in your lady parts is my mustache. All the ladies of America are waking up feeling the same thing. You're welcome.
I woke up naked wrapped in a wolf blanket on the bathroom floor
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