i just woke up i smell like fire, i have bruises on both knees and one elbow, i have a lighter and nip of smirnoff blueberry in my bed, rug burn on one hip and about 12 pics of you and me on my camera-this needs to stop happening
yea ive got to shower which is going to be painful given the skin burns from the blowup obstacle course races last night
you freaked out because you thought your face lotion was cum in a bottle
his name is not nearly as fun as i thought to yell out in bed
Peed on my phone. Dried it out in oven. Technology is both a plus and a minus.
My girlfriend and my fuck buddy both started their periods this weekend. The good news is, neither of them are pregnant. The bad news is, I'll have to find someone else to fuck til next weekend. No wait.....that's good news too.
For the love of God you used a 40 foot extension cord to bungee jump out the off the 2 nd floor
Please tell me you have Advil or Tylenol or ibuprofen or a fucking baseball bat
Am I allowed to be in denial about being gay again? Or is that one of those things you can't do?
I feel like that's something that he should've asked me over dinner..... instead of with his hand down my pants? maybe not
I'll give you some choices for what to get me for Christmas. 1.You naked. 2.You naked 3.You naked.
I definitely fucked a Trump supporter last night but I wouldn't let him fully admit it because then I would've had to leave and his cock and abs were too perfect
just saw two eagle scouts making out in chic-fil-a
highlight of my day: hitchhiking a ride with random locals. tried to make conversation, asked what they do. driver says "you clearly don't recognize me." turns out i have had sex with him and forgot.
You are officially qualified to graduate from college.
Thanks for not letting me choke to death on my vomit last night
Thank you for attempting to organize my DVDs in chronological and alphbetical order
My house exploded and with it all my pot went up in smoke.
Randomize
