I left my keys in the garlic bread freezer in Publix.
Different chick, same blowjob, same parking lot.
The Ukrainian kid just told me that our econ professor wants to bone me. Please tell me that phrase means something different in Eastern Europe.
Great. Me and the intoxalock guy are getting so close he just said "alright see you later girl!" when I called about getting the blower recallibrated.
New York to be Host to America’s Biggest Singles Event
Totally just projectile vomited while ridind a bicycle.
I was masturbating in my bed this morning when my ipod alarm went off and it started playing "show me the meaning of being lonely"
He brought wine and beer. I'll put my pants on for wine and beer.
I just told him he had gained a new brother. He immediately knew I meant the eskimo kind.
The 3 year old I'm babysitting is the first guy to tell me he loves me sober in like 2 years
Kylie Jenner Wasn’t in the Kardashian X-Mas Cards & the Internet is Losing it
She just asked what would happen if you put a vacuum in your butt and turned it on. These are our conversations.
I don't know, I think having hemorrhoids shows character. You have to be trying pretty hard to get them.
The police report said "I asked the suspect if he had any identification. He replied yes and gave me a Pizza Hut gift card"
This is my punishment for trynna have a festive time with a stranger. I always forget you can't get weird with one night stands
If I die here, tell my vagina and my cats that I'm sorry.
i made out with his shirt. MDMA, man.