The pirates hijacked 3 more ships today!!
we need a boat to join in
Obama is on top of it we'd get killed within mins, but we'd live in legend foreva
Dude, I woke up in the middle of the night and your room mate was just standing there at the foot of the bed, watching us sleep.. you don't remember me shaking the shit out of you to tell you this?!
This could explain the reason why I've been finding his clothing and keys scattered in random parts of my room..
AND THIS DOESN'T WORRY YOU?!
And by the way, how is me getting head even remotely comparable to you fucking 3 guys?
i cleaned the weed out of my bowl, pretended it was a spoon and ate oatmeal with it. my mom cried
My cleaning lady broke my bubbler. It's awkward between us now.
Why?
Because she knows I do drugs and I know she's a clumsy bitch.
Held my professor's hair back while she was puking. I'd better get an A out of this or else the pics are going on Facebook.
I sent him pictures of just me in my thong and he replied "you're so sweet, you make me feel special <3".... Oh.
Had to go see my sisters new baby this morn in the clothes I wore to the rave last night. Still drunk. Almost dropped it. I'll be a good aunt right?
I thought that wasn't a thing ever since she showed you her vag on the dance floor
I got kicked out of the men's bathroom at the diner last night because i was straddling the sink attempting to pee with pants on. Beat that.
Question: what's the protocol for seeing your mistress walking alongside her clueless boyfriend? If you could answer this ten minutes ago, that'd be great.
No apologies necessary. Just give me sex and Pop Tarts, and we'll call it even.
I lick assholes and I wouldn't eat mdma
I don’t know what he is but he sure can suck a lollipop.
OMG OMG OMG!!!! I made his penis bleed!! I repeat I MADE HIS PENIS BLEED!!!!
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