I will one day have loud vengeance sex as my revenge against you. Until then I'm just going to sit in the living room playing John Mayer while you're trying to do it.
So im going to watch Hocus Pocus in my footie pajamas... How am I in college?
im goin to the NYE party with a tuxedo painted on my body. i know a girl who does it. wanna join?
Ran into that hot funeral director in the bar two days after the wake. pretty sure we drunk made out.
Grandpa would have been proud
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so im goin to clemson & my drug dealers goin to penn state. this is the hardest breakup EVER.
Does it make me a prostitute if I accepted a Life House concert ticket for giving this guy head?
No. It just means your good at giving head.
my mom just asked if she should wash your furry handcuffs with the lights or darks
Well he has that kind of carefree attitude that comes from a big penis
Me either. I want to get 'chase a stray cat through the neighborhood in my hooker heels' drunk. And it's your birthday, so you have to get 'best friend holding your hair while you puke in the bar bathroom and cry about your life' drunk. In a feather boa.
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its amazing there are so many photos of me and him separately, since most of that party time was spent sneaking away to fuck upstairs...
Swear to god our friendship has its limits. Stop peeing on the fucking refrigerator.
My roommate has gone Christmas crazy. It looks like Jack Frost came all over my living room. Wanna come fuck me in the fake snow by the fireplace?
dude ur drinkin a beer not ta capri sun. lose the straw
It was the needle in the haystack of teary, unpleasant handjobs.
How did you end up breaking into that laundromat at 3am? I saw the snapchat but like..... How?