My sheets look like a crime scene.
hey im gonna send you a picture of my dinner
if its a picture of your dick again we are no longer friends
I always wonder when I meet a guy from online if he needs a moment to mentally register and accept the size of my ass. maybe ill wear a dress.
If Jon and Kate can get divorced...how hard can it be for me?
17 Inappropriate Things People Did With Instruments
he pretended not to hear me say our safety word. how do you think I feel?
Ifound a recepit for a hotel room in my sock. soo.. Ithink thats where my dog is.
All i remember is people cheering me on to drink faster than the dog, out of the dog's bowl. I just couldn't stop.
Got a personal ride from safe ride. I was crying so hard. The driver said think of something happy and I said Disney. In which I sang him Aladdin. So I got home ok
I woke up to my dog puking on my bed. Looks like it was a successful night for us all.
These 25 Drunks Should’ve Gotten Cut Off A Long Time Ago
You kept apologizing for not offering me some of your Whisky, which you referred to as "Jesus Nectar".
If you want to borrow my flask for all future interviews as a good luck charm because your last one went so well with it in your suit pocket, just let me know
She just hopped out of the car at a red light to pet the baby Jesus in the nativity scene.
Not worth it.
It's pitch dark except for the glow sticks, someone turned the heat up as high as it would go and the bathroom is flooded. Also think I just stepped on someone's face.
Here is your half hour reminder. Meet you at emergency room.
Broken leg sex is fun because I just get to lay there