yo dude i was totally schwabbin last night.
what does that even mean?
you ever see those charles schwabb commercials, where the people are like half cartoon half real.... well yeah i saw that in real life.
he fucked me so hard my future children felt it
These eggs taste like chocolate chip cookies. This is the best hangover ever.
IM A DRUNK BIRTHDAY CLEOPATRA MESS. CELEBRATE THAT BITCH
No no no no no no.... That's my emergency bottle for when I realize I've hit rock bottom
OH AND DAN PET MY CAT WHILE I WAS GIVING HIM HEAD
I haven't been motivated enough for a shirt. And only half the day was bra-worthy.
Can I just have sex with him and then never talk to him? I need him to be the Mr. Miyagi of my sex life.
I didn't have time to wash my hair yesterday. Ended up spraying some Febreeze on it.
You are a super loving wife. But did you, at any point since Thanksgiving, slip me half your bottle of stool softeners?
The kitchen also doubles as a screaming room after midnight as long as you have something to muffle the sound
I think part of my soul drowned in beer and/or jack daniels last night.
I'm gonna be late for work because i decided to masturbate and forgot to put my clothes in the dryer
He put on star wars porn, i thought it was hilarious last night but now i'm wondering why he has star wars porn
Cops swarmed my car last night in the walmart parking lot cause of the paper plate
Randomize
