Seriously man, I'm worried that my dick's going to fall off someday if I keep this up...
Welcome to the first annual slutathon and let the men be ever in our favor
I just hope when I turn 21, it doesn't tank my entire semester.
Either I'm too drunk or she gave me a hand job to the rhythm of jingle bells.
You pulled out a fucking recorder and started playing along with all the songs on your playlist and refused to hit the j
I might have snap chatted him. So here's what I need you to do. Find him. Abduct him. Get his phone. View the chat so he can't. Then, buy him ice cream. He deserves ice cream.
Sorry brah. Drastic times called for drastic measures and I had to go home and bang a cougar.
I can't believe I came last night staring into my profile pictures eyes.
I think I'm in the negatives for the quantity of fucks given today.
You poured all their beer into ziploc baggies so it would be "better on the go"
Im sitting on the floor of the hotel room eating nachos and drinking coffee. People should learn to embrace their hangovers
Lunch date was a success. And you'll be proud- my legs stayed closed.
It probably doesn't matter because I'm drunk...but I'm sorry for getting you drunk, having you almost lose your place to live, all your friends, permanently lose your liver functions, throwing up on my floor, losing virginity...etc...mostly I'm sorry for making you watch: cabin in the woods.
I swear to god, if you ever yell my name during sex with my sister again..your balls will be stapled to your nipples.
This is the most exciting thing since movie theater hand jobs
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