You can't have hate sex in a hallway!!
you left your dildo in my car
rules of finders keepers apply
Apparently I climbed into a dryer last night and refused to leave... There are pictures to prove it
Oh yeah forgot to mention that I referred to myself as the oral sex heavyweight champion last night
The only thing in that hotel room that we didn't fuck on was the roof
He just dragged himself across the floor on his back claiming to be "the swiffer" help
This is amazing. I can pinpoint the window in time that you lost all sanity.
You handed me a red solo cup filled with vodka and Bacon. You called it the salty Russian.
In my defense, last night's hookup turned out to be my actual girlfriend. That's gotta count for something, right?
The inflatable penis from those pics was mine... We broke him that night
I cried while dry heaving in the back of the car to the New York song with jay z in it. I was singing it inbetween gags.
Being hungover in this office is the actual worst. Like they look at me and know I was wasted at 1 am, karaokeing Billy Idol at a gay bar.
She's seen your dick through your pants. You don't need to ask
Kids I used to babysit are now fuckable members of my social media periphery.. Getting old sucks
There are flour footprints all over the house. Either u guys are trying to pull that Paranormal Activity shit on me again, or u got drunk and tried to make pancakes.
Randomize
