Did you see that girl I got with last night?
Girl? Oh...weird...to be honest Ive always thought you were gay..
I believe that I finger-banged my way to the top of the corporate ladder.
i can tell by the sound of your bed that he isnt that good at sex.
so my daughter wakes me up this morning and i feel like a vibration so im thinking she has my phone..nope my vibrator
This girl just introduced herself as Queefer Sutherland. She's on a roller derby team. What. The. Fuck.
She was either really drunk or really not interested. Everytime I tried to ask her about herself she would respond with a line from Stepbrothers.
I think I will be cutting those pills in half...Jesus just tried to sell me a toothbrush.
He counted every piece of macaroni in the box and then faceplanted into the bowl
Don't they also have a lot of serious head injuries?
I didn't say I wanted to marry one of them. Or that I want one to perform surgery on me. I just want to have hot, dirty, MMA style sex.
Nothing says "forever alone" like receiving a friendship bracelet from your parents.
I'd say it's his fault for never running us through proper protocol for "catching your RA in the middle of him banging some girl"
Know what I do when I'm in that mood? Whenever anyone talks to me I just hiss like a cat. They go away.
Slept with the roommate last night and also discovered that she believes in eugenics. I may need to slow down my drinking
I woke up next to a Big Mac box.. And had no sheets or clothes on. The night was a success I think.
Gameplan: If the cops show up, find a potted plant to hide behind... It's worked before!
Randomize
