Obv we're gonna bbm each other in bed
How do u get a lost condom out? Like really lost... up there...
my new favorite insult= "thundercunt"
I can tell how much and what I drank by my morning shits
There's a level of bonding between people at the liquor store at 10:30 in the morning that's unrivaled
surgery went fine. i cant breath out of my right nostril though. lets not eat peas anymore when we are drunk.
i just remembered i chipped my tooth last night when i pulled up your pants zipper with my teeth
sooo... you have no idea who nailed their tubesocks to my wall?
The cop told me to answer for everyone if there was drinking involved and then i threw up in my Luigi's italian ice that i was eating with a pizza slicer
Jacob lost his virginity in a threesome. I am deffs fucking this kid.
DURING A THUNDERSTORM ON HIS BIRTHDAY.
The best part of that night wasn't even the sex, it was listening to her explain to her boyfriend why she was naked in her room while I hid in her closet.
Happy meals everywhere. I think Ronald McDonald Claus visited.
Did you take the full box of samoas or do I not remember getting baked and eating half a box by myself?
i texted "amiibo vore" to my insurance agent instead of someone else. do you think they'll raise my rates out of disgust?
According to Joseph, last night I crawled into bed and told him to pretend I'm his French maid, and then started speaking with a German accent, and referring to his manbits as "ze greatest Weiner schnitzel I'd ever seen". Basically, last night was a roaring success.
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