mutual masturbation is only cool if cash money records is involved.
I just had sex with a black guy. He told me I had a big dick. I think that's God's way of saying it's okay to be gay.
1.) You left the rest of your whiskey here 2.) I drank your whiskey 3.) then made a steam roller out of the bottle 4.) Everything tastes like whiskey
Asking the cop for directions wearing a lion mask may not have been my best moment...
He said he was going to "rock my world". I wonder if he too has a false sense of confidence and accomplishment stemming from a complete lack of honesty from our own female counterparts.
Never thought I'd say this but I just want to go home, ice my balls, and pop a Vicodin.
That is the best grammar in a dirty text ever. Excellent use of the semi-colon. And yes; I am hard.
We're in the kiddy pool eating marshmellows and drinking wine out of a box. Please dress casual.
I just looked at your pics on Facebook....there was cake? Where the fuck was I!?
She leaned in close to me, made eye contact, and seriously whispered "I will eat your soul with bacon bits." I want whatever drug she was on.
When she tells her friend, "hey I'll be back tomorrow, just going to fuck a guy", right in front of you, you know you've got a winner.
I feel like an involuntary Mother Theresa. I DON'T WANT TO BE ABSTINENT!
Do you ever get a cramp in like, ONE labia?
We figured you were on something when you said that your nipples couldn't hear the music.
By 9 pm this evening I'll have accomplished smashing with two different guys in two different time zones in the same day.
Stay hydrated
Randomize
