Dude, I couldnt get it up cause she said her parents were home...
ok, come over...I have doritos
Do you know of any times in scooby doo when the monster turned out to be a real monster? You know not just a person?
oh my god. my mom just found my pipe. she thought it was a dildo.
like i said, there should be a sitcom about your family.
something must definitely be wrong with me if i'm chasing after a guy who cant even get it up
She was so drunk yelling at me in my driveway to fuck her. It was the ghetto version of Romeo and Juliet.
he put a lighter in my cleavage and said "you're like another pocket!"
we just finished making mockaritas... then we prayed
god you guys know how to party
worst. bachelorette party. ever.
For when you/if you wake up tomorrow.. You broke 4 of the bar's glasses tonight and I am currently watching you as you ride the broom around the bar instead of cleaning up your mess. I am no longer able to come up with excuses for you.
Have you ever stopped and thought "I do NOT want to be inside of this person right now. Or ever." Because you should.
I think the Predator is hunting me in my house. If I don't text you later, send Danny Glover. I love you all.
We hooked up in his car and afterwards he cried. I think I need to find a new hookup...
I bought 10 disposable adhesive bras and duct tape. If Home Depot can't help my breasts defy gravity, nothing will...
LMAO
My aunt asked how many piercings I had and my mom said seven and I said nine and that's how my family found out I had my nipples pierced.
I just got a robo call from the Addiction Help Line. Not sure how to take that.
On a scale of "huh, that's interesting" to "holy porn stars, batman". How good?
Definitely closer to "holy porn stars, batman".
Randomize
