I spilled a beer on myself, so I went back to my place to change. The city marshall was at my door with a warrant. That beer cost me 760 bucks.
All was going smooth until he pulled a condom out of his collection he kept in a Cheesy Gordita Crunch Box from Taco Bell.
So am i just your go-to 'i found a tick on my penis' number?
Shame should no longer be a word in your vocabulary.
He threw up in the campfire, the alcohol in his puke caught on fire. Im marrying this man
She called me in the morning crying, but I was busy cleaning up bird guts, very hungover. It was a very surreal morning.
I bought everclear. Bring your party pants and some addies
You're not gonna punch me in the face again are you?
javelin tossed one of my crutches in to the mosh pit at the concert, hit some dude in the temple hahah fuck him he sucks
She said "I've been waiting to suck your cock since high school." I'm so glad so many freshmen are from our school.
My therapist keeps stopping to ask what 'hooking up' means
ITS ORAL SEX CAROL
Ran into a tinder match at the bar last night. We spotted each other and started making out without speaking any words to each other. Fuck yea technology!
I just lost my handcuff virginity and not in the sexy way.
Just because your drunk doesn't mean you can stick your dick in the snow. Just a FYI
Well I had to have sex with him so he would buy me plan b. The fact that I had sex with someone else last night who couldn't afford it is irrelevant.
You know, I'm starting to enjoy brazilians. One day I'm going to make a therapist very very happy.
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