What's the point in getting all dressed up and going when i'm just gonna throw up on myself by midnight?
I woke up this morning with a bag of pepperonis in my bed.... and my facebook status was "pepperonis"
I swear my cock is like a magnet to my friends younger sisters mouths.
I hope that he knows just because i pissed in his bed doesn't mean were together.
not the best booty call
did she squirt?
only if tears count
wanna tell me why theres a glass of water stuffed with tamptons in the freezer?
Also yeah I would definitely have to say that one of my favorite things to do is to get high and pet cats.
I just wanna go somewhere and not be judged for wearing spandex shorts that make my ass look like a slice of fucking heaven. Is that so much to ask??
If we can put a man on the moon, I'm sure we can turn a pringles can into a bong.
You know you have done too many drugs when you gum the sugar off your margarita without even thinking twice
I knew there was a problem when things got heated and instead of rushing home I offered to get bagels instead
bullshit you weren't drunk, you pointed at me and said my cigarette was empty
Let's be honest, I've seen a decent amount of dicks in my life and very few of them have been worth all the trouble.
That's why we have robots to masturbate for us
Once you start using "cuddles" as a code word for sex you'll never get real cuddles again
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