Woke up to a denim duvet cover this morning... why r guys so tacky?
So you coming over for some grilled cheese and head?
i woke up with a grocery list signed by "the people who ate all your shit while you were passed out"
oh my god its dad's weekend for the sororities i can't wait to throw up in front of all these parents
He's eating a cream cheese sandwich. He's obviously distressed.
Funny. I made out with his brother for the first time in a bathroom too.
what is the protocol for being hungover enough to vomit in a potted plant during my botany lecture?
Dude, fuck the siberian warm up. You can't put vodka in hot chocolate. Learn from my mistakes
I really hope you are not drunk feeding a raccoon.
I'm pretty sure I just crapped out my pancreas. I have 2 of those, right?
All you kept saying was, " Barack fucking Obama. FUCK Michelle" and then you motorboated me.
GOT MY PERIOD AND AN INTERNSHIP OFFER THIS IS A WONDERFUL DAY
There is nothing worse than the batteries of your vibrator dying on valentines day
Speaking of, what are you doing next weekend? I'm going to a rope bondage seminar and may need a partner if my date bails.
We're lying on the pavement outside of the college. No one has asked if we're okay. I think they all understand.
Randomize
