I don't get calzones all look the same but taste so different
were you wearing a green and blue thong last night?
yes! wait why?
because i found it in my pocket this morning...
I wanna tell red shirt guy I'm pregnant and use the abortion money for Coachella.
in mid cry she says "I can be a whore if I want to"
I'm quite proud of this turning point from one night stands to giving some guy a BJ to fix my car for free.
Woke up laying in the kitchen floor with a cup in one hand and the beer tap in the other. Guess I just needed that one last beer.
I think you can do her, she seemed pretty set for revenge the second time her boyfrind high fives her in the face.
I got the number from the girl at uhaul even after she saw me throw up all over the parking lot with a 6 pack in my hands.
Can I just say that you're probably one of my favorite people to have sex with and then eat hummus with at 3:45am?
I just called the on campus pharmacy and asked the pharmacist to tell me how each one of my medications will react with "excess alcohol consumption". And I'm not even ashamed...I've reached a new low.
she genuinely believed that kangaroos are a cross between a deer and a T-rex
We are gonna sacrifice to and pray to every god in this world that he doesn't find out about her sleeping with his old roommate.
There's a man with a stuffed dog and a can of dog food on the L. Should I break it to him?
Best not to. Some people need their delusions.
All I remember about last st pattys day was I was in a bathtub with full bubbles, fully clothed, drinking out of a flamingo lawn ornament that someone cut a hole in.
I know right. I don't even want to have sex today. I did anyway but that's besides the point.
Randomize
